Wedding?

So my good friend from high school is getting married the end of the month. I'm his best man. I'm actually flying back from Brazil a day early to be his best man. Everyone cross their fingers for timely flights, I am living on the brink.

I sort of feel that this is how Indiana Jones would appear for a wedding. Coming from an exotic land, never sure whether he'd actually make it in time, yada, yada, yada. If only my journey would include a few Nazis and fistfights, I'd be golden. Might be problematic to pack a fedora though, especially with the cream jacket and the trombone, not to mention my ever expanding portfolio of travel journals and memoirs. Between the small black notebook, the leather personal journal, and the inevitable Official Jazz Orchestra reflection pad, I'm a veritable walking library.

Anyways, I feel in my capacity as best man, I should be having some sort of deep conversation with my groom friend. Like, "Damn, you're bonding yourself to this woman forever, how do you feel about that?" How I feel is irrelevant, but I sometimes wish I would have gotten a definitive statement of emotion from him. He's the sort of person who doesn't come up to you with a cup of coffee, a bright smile, and an urgent and pleasant desire to talk about feelings, with maybe some Burt Bacharach playing in the background. No, tis not he. And I suppose, not me either. Might contribute to our lack of communication.

Maybe it's just a titch unnerving, flying in for this wedding, devoid of any preparation, not seeing any of them for a month. No rehearsal, no bachelor party. Not knowing whether my fucking tuxedo will actually fit or whether I'll know anyone at the reception, which is being held in a giant fishbowl. Nothing. But mainly, my restlessness is based on this complete disconnect with how my mate is feeling about marriage, about Sarah. I mean, maybe I'm a bit old fashioned, but getting married seems to me to be quite a big deal. On the grand scale of life choices, I'd probably rank it as such.

1. Coffee or beer
2. Getting married or not getting married
3. Chicken or fish
4. Choose job

As you can see, a fairly substantial life choice. Now, theoretically, if you had decided upon getting married (the first choice), wouldn't you presumably want to express what exactly is making you take that path? I think I would. I think I'd be freaking right out. In fact, I'd probably be perpetually trembling for at least two months. Even if it was THE girl. It's just a fairly intense decision. But I have no idea what's going on with him. I hope he's not running into anything.

I mean, I'm happy for him, I really am. But it also frightens me. Forever now, our friendship will have this new element. Which I suppose isn't so new, because she's basically lived with him for 2 years. Still though, now she's the "wife." That's a title, right there. Like "Sir" or "Your Excellency." It has weight. It adds a whole new dimension. He in turn will be dubbed "husband." They will have joint family get togethers. They will each receive a magic new pair of relatives called "in-laws." They can be like those people in the jewelry commercials, getting 24 carat diamond necklaces for anniversaries. They can read those books you always see on how to achieve a healthy marriage, how to achieve balance. They can seriously think (if they haven't already) about having kids. Bringing new people into the world. Damn. He's entering the real world, while people like myself are still in a state of arrested development. Or think they are.

I mean, it's that sort of thing which I aspire to, to have that incredibly, incredibly special person, to have a family. But on the other hand, it freaks me out. I look at myself and seriously question whether I'd be capable right now to lay down the gauntlet and get married, like Scott's doing. Man, I don't think I could. Not now. I mean, I'm still uncovering vestiges of who I am; flakes and scraps are still sifting in from Nottingham, experiences at Luther, friends, etc. It must be very satisfying to have that assuredness in life, to definitively know what is going on right now. On the other hand, it's exciting to always be discovering new things, regenerating around a solid foundation. Being fluid, yet also being loyal to oneself. I mean, isn't that what marriage is all about. Going through life together, discovering new things?

I'm glad I'm not currently in his situation. I have other things to fret about, like final days at Luther, law school next year, retaining relationships, yada, yada, yada. But I suppose, it's really not worth it to worry about things you have no control over.

At least I don't have to fret about the Twins. Not now at least.