Wow

Last night, I had the unfortunate luck of having to watch about an hour of "American Pie: The Naked Mile."

The plot is really quite stunning actually. Oscar-worthy, I would imagine. It goes something like this. One kid, afraid of graduating high school a virgin, fails to score with his girlfriend and goes to visit his cousin at college on a "guilt free pass" for the weekend. Conveniently, it's the same weekend as the annual "Naked Mile," where, as you might have guessed, everyone runs a mile naked. As expected, the unnamed college is apparently populated solely by hot, large breasted women who have no inhibitions about shedding their clothes and having lots of sex, and beer swilling frat boys who are choking on their own testosterone. Our hero almost scores with a hot sorority girl, then rides a horse (literally) back to his hometown where he declares to his girlfriend that he loves her, and it's not about the sex. They promptly have sex about 15 minutes later, the guy drives back to the college and brags about it to his new pals. In the midst of this, there's a whole lot of drunken revelry and an army of "bad guy" midgets. I think my favourite part was when the two frat boys accidentally took Viagra before the running of the naked mile, then at the bash at the frathouse afterwards, they play ping pong baseball with their boners. Now that's visionary filmmaking.

Seriously, what the fuck? I mean, is this what people think college is actually like? In four years of college, I'm fairly certain I was never at a party where everyone just got naked for the hell of it and screwed around. (I realize naked soccer might parallel this film, but since I never actually witnessed it, it's not factoring into my thought process) Is this what some idiot thinks relationships are really like? That it's a cakewalk to attract a super hot girl and then have sex 10 minutes later? That that's what's central? What the hell is wrong with these people?

I don't know, the sex was so absolutely gratuitous, the humour so unbelievably tasteless, I couldn't really handle it. It was obviously made for people with the I.Q. of a hammer. And I mean, I feel I can handle crude humour with the best of them. I think most of the stuff Judd Apatow has put out is hilarious (40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, etc.). But seriously? Playing ring toss with your erect penis? Give me a fucking break. The only way it could have been worse is if I was watching it in an IHOP and there was a scene involving ESPN giving sexual favours to the Red Sox, Yankees, and Dodgers (which happens nightly on "Baseball Tonight").

This story by The Onion is just really funny I think. I also like the bit about Al Gore placing his infant son in a rocket to escape the dying Earth.

I wish I had something more interesting to talk about. Something with some sort of oomph, but I'm afraid I've been a bit humdrum lately. The daily routine of my life has lately been kind of crushing, like there's no respite. I work at a job I don't really enjoy, go home, listen to some music, watch the Twins highlights, wish I was with people, rinse, repeat. Get angry when people who claim to understand me really don't, or they wouldn't be making me watch shit like I explained above. It's right about time to start doing something meaningful again.