Open Letter

Dear Minnesota Twins player,

I have hotly followed your 2008 campaign with bated breath. It's been a journey fraught with both joy and peril. With the loss of Torii Hunter and Johan Santana, no one thought you could compete. You proved them wrong, I'll admit, but it hasn't been easy. Numerous times I had an incredible urge to throw a brick through my TV during your telecasts.

Now here it is, you're either in the playoffs, or you're playing a single game to get into the playoffs. Let's focus on the latter scenario. I am fully prepared to do whatever is necessary to will you to victory. I mean hell, if I need to go out and find a goat to sacrifice on an alter sheathed in homer hankies, that's fine. Just let me know so I can get one in time. If I have to wear the exact same set of clothes for two weeks, I'm game. If it comes down to me chanting some sort of voodoo hex on the Chicago bats around a bonfire naked, no problem.

I beseech thee though, just go out and win. God knows you should have won on Saturday, then you wouldn't have this conundrum in the first place. And listen Mr. Morneau, now is not the time to slump. I had kind of a brain slump last week, but I busted out of it in time to write a fantastic office memo, even with a cat-voiced lady screeching in my ear. So get your shit together.

I mean, it's a simple game, right? Catch the ball, throw the ball, hit the ball. Hell, if I could do it in the British University Baseball League (minus the hitting part), you can surely do it in the major leagues.

Sincerely,

Myself