Focusing, and then not

So tonight I decided to go to Focus, which is the student led worship on campus. I really don't know why I decided to go, I haven't gone all year. Two years ago, I used to go every once in a while. I don't know, I guess I just felt like hearing something comforting. I also have felt very guilty as of late, as I never go to any sort of religious service down here. I've never felt comfortable at them and frankly, I'm sort of lazy. I'd much rather stay in my comfort zone, or sleep in.

Thus, I went. And it was something, that's for sure. I'm always somewhat bemused by religious services and how people react to them. Last year in England, I wrote a paper on evangelicalism in the UK, and went to a couple evangelical churches in Nottingham to research. It was.... interesting. I think the presence of giant TV screens with preacher's faces are just a bit intimidating. It was kind of fun to have a full bar in the back of the sanctuary though, and I appreciated the free doughnuts (poor American college student, you know?). It did rather suck when I spilled my tea all over myself and the condiment table, but eh. Shit happens, even in God's house. Needless to say, I'm internationally experienced in odd religious expression.

Anyway, back to Focus. It's always interesting, the people who go to Focus. Mostly, it seems like a sea of tall blond males wearing Abercrombie with too much hair product and the accompanying hordes of sweatshirted women. Scattered about are also those who really have nothing else to do, or feel socially outcasted by secular society. Plus the few normal people, or folks like myself: strangers infiltrating a secret club. Now I'm not trying to discount the piety of said congregation. How would I know? But given outward appearances, sometimes I feel as if extreme outward participation in Focus or another campus ministry is just another check to add on the list of potentially attractive features. I don't know, some of it felt so.. fake. Like I was at a masquerade ball.

I think the part about contemporary worship that makes me feel uncomfortable is its overwhelming social interaction. I mean, I'm a fairly introspective person, so of course that will color my observation. But when I'm experiencing something spiritual, I guess I respond best in quiet, in solitude. Maybe that's why I loved the Church of England so much. Not so much for doctrine or anything like that, but for the fact that I could sit in the magnificent cathedrals, close my eyes, and just listen to the evensong. It was ethereally beautiful. Now, guitars can be ethereally beautiful too (Sigur Ros anyone?), but not how they're commonly played. Needless to say, I felt very out of place at what was essentially a gigantic social event with some Christian overtones.

Faith seems to me a funny thing, a very curious thing. It exists, but sometimes it feels like it doesn't exist. I guess that's the mark of true faith though, existing even while it feels like maybe it shouldn't exist. I don't know, if you would have told me what I would have become four years ago at this point, I would have probably laughed. Rejected you. Rejected AND denounced you. But life, as it turns out, has a funny way of doing things differently than how you expected. And it all turns out fairly alright. I may be doing some sort of spiritual limbo dance, but that's okay right now I think. There's something underneath all the madness.

In other current events, I'm getting quite tired of this damn overcast weather. I'll say it, I hate overcast days. If it's cloudy, it should be raining. Either be cloudy and raining, clear and sunny, or partly cloudy with no rain and sufficient sunlight. None of this in between shit. I have shorts to wear. Shorts, to show off my Hard Body Plan calves. Which will make beautiful women swoon and other men's self esteem to plummet. This weather is delaying that. I'm anticipating a campus teeming with the wails of insecure bros and lovestruck ladies.

My good friend just owned Liszt and Chopin on his senior recital last night. Cheers to that. (clink)

I get to play a solo on "Diminuendo and Crescendo in Blue" in Brazil. I'm super pumped. I got to jam with the band on Friday, and I actually did better than I expected. And I've been practicing the chord changes and listening extensively. Can't wait.

The Minnesota Twins and their ridiculously bad play are making me want to jump off a bridge in front of a French TGV train going 200 mph, which will smash me into tiny pieces, only to be eaten by vultures, buzzards, and other small scavenging animals. This needs to stop.

That is all.